Pearl in Her Early Life

    This is one of my sophomore term papers, written for the course,American Culture. Pearl is my English name. I was required to answerseveral questions asked in Habits of the Heart and write in its way ofanalyzing. The questions are who I am, Where my vocabulary came from,what I value most in my life, what I consider as a successful life,whether I think there are any problems with myself, and etc.. When Iread it one and a half years later, I found I had experienced thedrastic change expected at its end and still suffered the turbulencethe change produced. It's not yet time to make another self-analysis. However, as I wrote in it,   the earthquake is just to help themountain to rise up over the surface of the sea, and in this way, Imade every step toward the answer to who I am, I still present the paper here for I believe the nature of a person won't change.

    When I am introduced, the introduction always includes such a remark: She is extremely kind. I feel sorry and lonely. If my kindness isn't some sort of a shock to others, it’s at least beyond their understanding. Whenever the exclamation rises: " How kind you are!" I can not help suspecting I am a stranger on the earth. Some even says directly, " You are too kind." Am I unnatural or am I wrong?

However, being kind does be my nature. This nature develops into my personality because of the influence of my parents. After trials experienced in real life, this personality becomes my arms against a sea of troubles.

My mother told me an anecdote. When I was no older than one year, I was carried to the street in the arms of my grandfather. Somebody was going to kill a mouse by putting it into a sack and flinging the sack on the wall. The very moment the sack flung on the wall I cried loudly. My grandfather was even not sure whether I really saw the scene. Although I lived for only twenty four years, after that I have experienced many significant changes. No matter how drastic the changes are, they are just like the earthquake that helps the mountain underground to rise until it’s outstanding above the sea. In this way I step every pace toward the answer to who I am.

I believe one’s childhood has decisive influences on one’s personality, and one spends lots of the later years to know oneself by identifying what those influences are. The childhood should consist of two elements. One is family and the other is experiences before one is able to protect oneself. In order not to extend this article into a book, I will not write much about the latter element, but mention a little when I come to write about other experiences.

My family, a big family in which three generations keep close relation, is my treasure. The senior members, aged from 84 to 44, who came into the family no matter by birth or by marriage, are all intellectual and honest people. They suffered, like the other Chinese, most of the social disturbance that had happened in modern China, but received higher education that was rare in their time. By the reason out of both education and experience, they devote to the acquirement of China’s welfare, loyal to her and her people. They firmly believe in the value of life that lies in bringing happiness to their fellow creatures and the progress of human society to a happier future. Most of them are members of Communist Party. They belong to its purest and most honorable part.

Since my grandmother’s father was a famous lawyer who should belong to the upper class when the two centuries met, and my grandparents had both been professors before 1949, the year of China’s liberation, they should have had inherited the traditional culture rather completely. However, they and their children have neither sense of pride or superiority, nor the subtle tastes or sentimentality that are all characteristics of traditional intellectuals. My grandparents were revolutionaries. They didn’t stand on the side of the ruling class, but believed they should fight for the happiness of most Chinese. The revolution brought their life and life of the poorly educated people together. In a different sense, the Cultural Revolution did the same to their children. Re-educated by the revolutions, they and their children hold simple ideals, simple outlooks and simple life style of most common people. To which I should add, my grandmother in her later years is an exception. ( A piece of evidence to show the effect of family influence.) Working diligently, they are realistic; living optimistically, they are idealistic. They are not artists, they don’t hold aesthetic attitude toward life like me, but they are artistic piece themselves, in a sense they prove to others the existence of concrete truth, goodness and beauty in common daily life. I took into heart most of their moral principles and spiritual pursuits. Before I went into university, I thought with their minds, only with an aesthetic taste nurtured by my big cousin.

That condition lasted until Bob and Prof. Ding came into my life. As my teacher for the writing course, Bob was the first and the only one who told me, through the sharp and almost rude remarks on my compositions, that I had never thought with my mind, I had never examined what I had in mind, I was not in the least logical, and etc.. Ever since then, I was encountered with lots of troubles because I could no longer take anything for granted easily. When I worked as tutor, I sometimes scolded my little pupil like this: " You should feel shameful for so low a mark!" but at the same time I asked myself why a low mark should make one feel shameful, and further, where this sense of shame came from. I lost lots of my vocabulary, but I am more trustworthy than before, although not trustworthy enough according to Bob’s criteria. Prof. Ding taught me the History of European Literature. I think actually that course is not history of literature, but of civilization and thoughts. He helped me to see the whole picture of human spiritual exploration on the meaning of the mortal existence and the sufferings, and the self-recognition of human race. Pairs of words were brought to the front of me: reason and faith, sense and passion, skepticism and belief , and etc. I began to observe the living more philosophically.

To give a brief summary to the background of my thought, I should say I was mainly influenced by four men. My father could represent most of my family members. He gave me the moral principles, optimism and high-spirited morale in face of any concrete difficulties, broadmindedness, steadiness and a heart of a perpetual child. My big cousin is an exception of my family. He is more profound. He taught me how to acquire specific knowledge and perceive the beauty in the world. I didn’t learn from my mother consciously, but found finally we shared the same characters. We are all serious, brave and stubborn. These qualities may not influence my thought, but do have effects on the way in which I think and take actions. As a result, I am not easy to give up. Thus, I was fundamentally shaped by my family. The two teachers functioned in helping me with self-improvement by making my mind more powerful than before.

Although learning the History of European Literature and thinking with my own mind, I became consequently pessimistic for believing the self-destruction of human beings is unavoidable, my decision is still to fight against that process. History tells me vulgarity and evil by or not by nature is always powerful than goodness, but the latter exists because of the minority’s perseverance. I will not fear to be the minority, ever thinking that I am protection the true meaning of living from being lost. I still hold the same idea about the value of life like my family. The value of an individual’s life lies in her/his contribution to the human society. Through working and multiplying, the transient life will achieve eternity by becoming a chain of the line of history for its further development. Guided by these thoughts, I have chosen the ideal that is to help people feel the beauty of living by loving them, because I think to perceive the beauty of living is the easiest way to approach Goodness, and I believe love is the arm against all human defects and all sufferings. Now it seems that here comes Bob’s voice, " What do you mean by big general terms as goodness and beauty of living?" I can not explain clearly. Goodness is many things, concrete or absolute, that make human beings an honorable creature. The beauty of living is what makes one feel moved. The pursuit of Doctor Frost can be taken as an example. When the moment comes and one can not help crying, "Stop a moment! How beautiful you are!" that event will explain what Goodness and beauty are. I know this example is very problematic because it can not prove the actual existence of Goodness and beauty----they may be just illusion. Anyhow in Chinese culture, one is advised not to be insatiable, so I have experienced that moment on different levels. I want to share my happiness with others.

I mentioned love above. Kindness is equal to offering love. In twenty-four years that I have lived, I am by no exception heir to the heartache and the thousand natural shocks, poverty, contempt, pains of growing up accompanied by various loss, failures seemingly in everything, two-year-suspension from university because of illness, and so on. With a decision partly by nature, and partly because of the inclusive and unselfish love of my parents, I determined since little what I’ve suffered I would not let anyone coming into my lift suffer. To me, the beauty of living includes others’ comfort and happiness. One may consider the achievement of that beauty as success, but I don’t like that utilitarian word. I do what I believe is right and don’t consider the lack of others’ recognition as wasting my time and energy.

Since the beginning of this semester, I have been taking care of one of my friends, one retina of whose eye came off. The time I spent with her amounts to 15 more classes one week. Making a mess with my study and feeling dog-tired, I didn’t expect much but decide to make up her lack of others’ consideration and love. I didn’t even expect her gratitude and friendship. That’s a lesson taken from life: The less you expect, the less you feel disappointed. However, she did regain the courage and spirit to live on. When I sat beside her on her bed, and she said that she might not have lived through this shock without my help. I felt that moment compensated for all the marks of B- or 50, my boyfriend’s anger, and the pain I suffered physically and mentally. I wasn’t glad for her mention of my help but the information suggested in her words that she had already lived through the shock. Since my recovery from my illness, I never stop caring others consciously. I discovered that I myself gradually became the representative of Goodness in eyes of other people. That gave me uncomfortableness I mentioned at the beginning of this article. But this time I feel my effort is justly measured because her spirit recovered, she didn’t exclaim, "How kind you are!" and we became best friends. The power of love is to bring the meaning of living to both parts of giving and receiving.

I have gone through how my outlook came into being and what its structure is. Now I have to summon up all my courage to face its fatal points.

I have no confidence in myself. I dare not make judgement. Since very little, I found sometimes what I predicted would exactly come true, sometimes the contrary of it would come true, and there was no reason at all. Then I began to control my life by finding out in which way the things would go on through testing on trivial matters each morning. That did work! In order to succeed, I depended more on this trick than on my reasoning. It’s so ridiculous that I suspect I am played with by the creator. The other way I make judgement is to turn to my conscience that I guess consists of my kind nature and the desire to make my consciousness and unconsciousness coincide. For example, if I value generosity, any trace of selfishness or greed shown in my direct response on any occasion will make me feel shameful with myself, and I will try to get rid of those defects completely by self-restriction. ( I have tendency in heart to be a pure one.) On one hand I fortunately acquired self-improvement; on the other it indicates the thorough denial of my being a reasoning creature.

Another fatal point is I depend too much on others. I can feel satisfied and happy only when I make others satisfied and happy. To die at present will leave me no regrets except that it will give too much sorrow to people who love me.

These two points are actually one. They show I have no self. I have no love for myself. Without the ability of reasoning, I lose the most efficient tool to find who I am. I suspect that’s because of my parents. They are selfishless persons, loving and strict with me very much, taking care of every aspects of my life, so I have no need to use myself. Thus there is an enormous gap lying between what I am and what I do. Helpless with lack of self-confidence, I give many people spiritual and concrete support. People think I am idealistic, but actually I hold the most pessimistic view on human nature. I never expect people around me to be as sincere, warm-hearted, responsible and self-restricted as what I train myself to be. Although I can love, my love have no logical source nor impetus. What I’ve offered seems simply what I’ve received.

Sometimes I feel so empty and exhausted that I am afraid I can no longer give hope to other people by being cheerful and high-spirited. I know it’s time for another drastic change. Fortunately, I still have my nature and my aesthetic attitude to count on. The former when it shows up will replenish me from inside, the latter that is always with me will inspire me from outside on proper occasion.